Couples Counseling
THE ‘HOW APPROACH’ FOR HEALING AND REPAIRING RELATIONSHIPS
Any of these familiar to you?
- “You never listen to me”
- “You just pull away and don’t talk”
- “You’re angry all the time
- “I can never be good enough for you”
- “I can’t trust you again”
- “I don’t have hope for us anymore”
ARE YOU ASKING WHAT HAPPENED TO US?
…and wanting to:
- Feel closer again
- Communicate with more ease and connection
- Regain intimacy
- Resolve old disappointments and hurts
- Learn to work effectively with anger and frustration
DISCOVERING OUR MATTERING
Couples argue, fight, distance and hurt one another in a multitude of ways. The essential question under all of the heartache, loneliness and tension is “Do I matter to you”. We carry this relationship question, often buried under years of protecting our selves emotionally from repeated disappointment and hurt.
We don’t know what to do with our feelings or our partner’s feelings of frustration, resentment and resignation. Two people that dearly loved one another in the beginning (and may still) are now saying I can’t do this anymore.
APPRECIATING OUR DIFFERENCES AND SIMILARITIES
Arguing and experiencing differences are a normal function of relationship. As a natural cycle of emotional intimacy the way we are communicating can have a connecting and reparative aspects as well as damaging consequences. It’s all in HOW arguments and communication take place
BECOMING A HEALTHY COUPLE USING THE “HOW APPROACH”
In our work together both partners learn how to become a healthy couple by utilizing “HOW” skills that can safely untangle a confusing and hurtful past together and heal your lives in the present. Through the work you learn how the differences between the two of you can actually grow you together not pull you apart.
I help each of you to step into the best of yourself and out of frustration and hopelessness. I show you ways in our sessions together with your partner to take hold of the steering wheel of your emotions so that you can get back to the destination you both really want to get to.
THE ‘HOW APPROACH’ HELPS COUPLES TO:
- Become a deep listener and authentic speaker, even under stress
- Come from the best of who you are and see the best in your partner
- Cultivate good will and see the big picture
- Resolve hurtful histories into present connection and hopeful futures
- Understand what’s a realistic expectation and what isn’t
SOMETHING ABOUT COUPLES…
One of the painful ironies of committed relationships that I see over and over again is that exactly what brings two people together is what most likely is pulling them apart today. What we found endearing about our partner years ago is often times one of the things we are having a very difficult time with today. The open hearted vulnerability, hopes and dreams of mattering deeply to one another is what years later can become a reason for a marriage becoming a battle ground or cold war zone.
The open heartedness each person felt inside them is most likely what both partners are automatically protecting, arguing about…and most wanting again.
While coming together and moving apart is part of the normal pulse of many marriages the wear and tear can become painfully destructive. I have also seen it be the doorway through which a couple can walk to restore the caring, respect and love.
GIVING YOURSELVES THE TIME
These are the times an experienced outside set of trained eyes and ears can help you safely discuss the sensitive and important difficulties between the two of you. My emphasis in my work with couples is in showing you both how to slow down and connect with yourself first so that the significant conversations you want to have can actually be taken in by your partner and not just thrown back at you in a retort of hurt and habit.
With each person needing to win both people end up losing. Rather than both of you becoming disappointed and fed-up, together we create a safe space so what is very important to be known by your partner can actually be experienced.
YOU CAN FIND LOVE AND CONNECTION AGAIN
I can help you change the habits of disconnection and hurt. Repair and healing is possible. During our sessions together couples learn how authenticity and genuineness can lead to mutual respect for one another.
OF COURSE IT TAKES COURAGE AND HEART TO SCHEDULE A CONSULT
It takes a lot of courage and heart for a couple in times of trouble to risk taking the chance and share what is tender and important to them after years of feeling hurt, rejected, or betrayed. If they knew how to do this already in their relationship already in ways that helped they would have. When you show up in my office for a couples consult I help you to have a different conversation, one in which you can hear one another and learn how to actually make positive differences in one another’s life as a couple.
THE NUTS AND BOLTS OF HOW I WORK
My sessions with couples have grown out of many years of advanced couples training, my own marriage, and over 25 years specifically helping couples repair their relationships. Getting down to the simplicity of being a couple, we work together to untangle the issues partners have gotten stuck in. A genuine conversation begins so each person can safely talk and be heard in regards to what really matters to one another.
I incorporate the latest research and practical applications coming out of brain science and emotional regulation and attachment studies with Internal Family Systems work, Gestalt Therapy, Mindfulness Training, contemplative practices and an extensive background in body oriented awareness to…
…help you both create rewarding ways to move forward in your relationship.
TALK, AND MORE THAN TALK, WORKS
I have found in my experience, study and the latest research into why couples therapy does not work shows that talking alone is not enough in doing deep repair work. It gets back to the HOW we talk to one another as well as how we do our self-talk. What is key is learning how to be with the power of our emotions behind our spoken and unspoken words. Practicing conscious ways to connect to our feelings and emotions and learning as a couple how to positively be these strengthens who we are as people and the constructive sharing that is needed.
I help couples get unstuck and rediscover their warmth, mutual respect and emotional connection for one another. We focus on practicing new skills in each session so they become practical ways to improve your relationship.
“The first and foremost instinct of humans is neither sex nor aggression. It is to seek contact and comforting connection.” When a partner gets the message that they are not important by being ignored or not responded to, his or her brain likely goes into a primal panic and sends danger signals to the rest of the body.” – Sue Johnson
Learn how to change the channel on your relationship pattern and cycle. Discover how to be with one another in ways that promote respect, closeness and healing between the two of you.
